The Donor You Think You Know (But Don’t)

Stop Assuming You Know a Donor’s Capacity

She’d been giving $5,000 a year for four years. Always in December, always in response to the year-end appeal. Reliable, appreciated, and — if everyone was honest — a little invisible. The fundraiser had her categorized. She was a mid-level donor. A $5,000 donor. A December donor. And so for four years, she was treated accordingly.

What no one knew — what no one had thought to uncover — was that she’d recently sold her business. That she was sitting with more capacity than the organization had ever imagined. And that she’d been waiting for someone to invite her into something more.

She eventually made that transformational gift. At another charity.

And this happens more often than we think

The Danger of Patterning a Donor Too Quickly

One of the most common and costly mistakes in major gift fundraising is this: we see what a donor has done, and we stop imagining what they might do.

It happens quickly — and without intention. A donor gives at a certain level, and that level becomes their identity in our minds. We build our cultivation plan around it. We calibrate our Asks to it. We mentally file them under a category — mid-level, annual, event donor, reliable but not major — and once they’re there, they tend to stay.

The problem isn’t the data. The problem is treating the data as a ceiling instead of a starting point. 

What a donor has given tells you about the relationship so far.
It doesn’t tell you what’s possible. 

Giving patterns reflect timing, context, and invitation. They are shaped by stewardship, conversations, and the asks that have — or haven’t — been made. A $5,000 donor who’s only ever been asked for $5,000 is not necessarily a $5,000 donor.

Circumstantial Giving vs. True Capacity

There’s a distinction I come back to often in my work with fundraisers: the difference between circumstantial giving and true capacity. 

Circumstantial giving is giving shaped by the moment — what the donor was asked for, what felt appropriate at the time, what the organization’s stewardship signaled was expected of them. A donor who gives $2,500 because that’s what the event paddle raise was structured around. A donor who gives $10,000 because that’s the number at the top of the reply card. A donor who gives in line with their peers because no one has invited them to imagine giving differently.

True capacity is something else. It’s what’s actually available — financially, emotionally, and relationally — when the right conversation happens at the right moment with the right invitation.

That gap is where major gifts live—and it’s rarely visible in a giving history.

Curiosity Is the Antidote

The shift that changes this isn’t a new research tool or a wealth screening software update. (Although donor capacity reports often allow donors to believe they can ask for larger gifts without putting in the work of nurturing the relationship.) What’s needed is a posture change.

It’s moving from assumption to curiosity.

When I work with fundraisers on portfolio strategy, I often encourage fundraisers to set aside what they think they know about a donor and come back to a few simple questions.

• What’s changed in this person’s life since they first gave?

• What are they paying attention to right now—personally, professionally, philanthropically?

• What have we actually asked them about their values, hopes, and vision?

• And what have we never invited them into—simply because we assumed the answer would be no?

These questions open possibilities because they replace conclusion with discovery. They shift the donor from data point to whole person. And they create the conditions for a conversation that might go somewhere neither of you expected. 

Curiosity before assumptions. Discovery before conclusion. That’s where major gift strategy actually begins.

Timing the Conversation

Timing matters enormously in capacity conversations — and specifically, learning to read when a donor may be ready for a different kind of engagement.

The most important conversations about capacity rarely happen in the middle of a campaign push. They happen after an experience with the nonprofit that has moved them. After seeing the work up close. After hearing a story that moved them. After a conversation that reframed what their giving could mean. 

That’s the moment to get curious. Not at the first external sign of wealth. Not based on what a screening tool says. 

I encourage fundraisers to ask what they need to know before they can ask well. Not what’s on the wealth profile — what’s actually true for this person right now. What is their relationship with giving at this stage of their life? What does meaningful philanthropy look like to them? What would make a larger investment feel right rather than pressured? That understanding doesn’t come from research. It comes from relationship.

A Different Way to View Your Portfolio

Here’s a practice I’d invite you to try. Open your portfolio and look for donors who’ve been consistent — people who give reliably, who engage with your communications, who show up when you invite them.

Now ask yourself: when is the last time someone had a real conversation with them about their giving? Not a cultivation event. Not a form letter. A real conversation rooted in genuine curiosity.

For many donors, the answer is never. And that absence says nothing about their capacity. It says something about the relationship.

The fundraiser who learns to ask curious questions instead of making quiet assumptions will find opportunities that have been sitting there all along — not because something changed, but because someone finally looked.

Before Your Next Donor Conversation

Before your next visit or call with a donor you’ve had for a while, try setting aside what you think you know. Come in genuinely curious. Ask about what’s changed in their life. Ask what they’re most passionate about right now. Ask what they imagine their giving making possible in the next chapter of their relationship with your organization.

You might be surprised what you hear. 

And you might find that the donor you thought you understood has been waiting for exactly this kind of conversation.

I work with major gift fundraisers and nonprofit leaders who want clearer donor strategy, stronger relationships, and better results. If you’re ready to look at your portfolio with fresh eyes, Schedule a Connection Call and let’s talk about what you’re building.